The Hot Yoga Experience

I’ve determined that the only way to really start living healthy is to step out of my regular routine and start doing new things (Mostly because the old things aren’t working at all). In the interest of trying new things, I agreed to attend a beginner hot yoga class. A few minutes before the class, I was told it is not actually for beginners, it was just a regular class. There were definitely some misconceptions I had, and some information I should have had prior to attending that I thought I would share.

Leave Your Sneakers at Home – I showed up with my gym sneakers and my socks only to see everyone in their bare feet. Make sure you clip your toenails before, because if you think they are embarrassingly long, you will be the only person attempting this in socks.

Use a Towel – You will sweat. Your mat will turn into a slip and slide, and others will be completely warranted in snickering as you slide all over the place.

Anyone Can Go – Despite the name, people of any level of attractiveness can attend. There are women of all shapes, sizes and abilities in these classes. This diversity does not transfer to men. They will all look like they stepped out of a Nike commercial (without their sneakers).

Do a Little Research – Learn some basic positions online before your first class. If you’re right-left dyslexic like I am, you take a little extra time to think about which leg you’re supposed to be lifting and you miss a couple steps. Then you just end up sitting on your mat trying to figure out how the person beside you has folded into an origami swan.

Test Your Gear – There’s a lot of bending, folding and raising your arms above your head. Be courteous to the people behind you and choose clothing that hides your ass crack, even in the bend-overiest of positions. Also, choose a top that will come back down over your beer gut when you bring your hands back from over your head.

Remember that your first experience, while slightly humiliating, is the MOST humiliated you can be as you get better each time. To be fair the people at Moksha were very conscious of the fact that I would feel like an absolute tool, and were very supportive. An excellent place to go for your first time, especially considering they didn't charge me for anything for my first session. 

Making a Terrible List

When a list of demotivational post-its can’t motivate you to stop being terrible, perhaps the problem is that you don’t know how terrible you are.  The first step to fixing yourself is admitting all the things wrong with you, and the best way to see it is to list them.  

Things that may be on your list

• Your fat pants exploded, and not because you were wearing them in a terrible road-runner hunting expedition with a faulty Acme product.
• All of a sudden you have an endless supply of money, but not because you won the lottery or married Oprah. You’re using your credit card for everything and using your line of credit to pay it off every week. It’s not your fault that for a small interest fee every month, you can live like a rock star!
• Your career development plan is still part of your to-do list under “clean the bathroom” and “do laundry.” You’ll never get to it as long as you keep buying more underwear. P.S. your friends don’t visit because your bathroom is disgusting.
• Napping often takes precedence over most other things.
• Your belt is slowly deforming itself because it can’t hold you in. At this point he doesn’t even want to be a belt anymore, and has fantasies of becoming a sock or a hat.

Congratulations! You’re kind of a mess. The real problem is that no one of these problems can really be solved without fixing all of the other problems. Basically, you’ve allowed yourself to spiral into a sedentary lifestyle where you have no real motivation to perform even basic human functions. Coming out of this rut is going to suck. You really don’t want to do most of the things you’re going to have to do. You basically have to train yourself to act like a person using a five fundamental elements.

• Fitness
• Nutrition
• Financial Management
• Career Development and
• Your Personal Life

If just saying the words made you vomit a little, then go brush your teeth, come back and get started on the painful road to living like a person. I’ll be live tweeting all my terrible life-choices on twitter using #livelikeaperson.

"I could have been boots" - Scott's Belt